Choices & Responsibilities (Retro)
Originally posted Nov 20, 2007
Choices & Responsibilities
I am in the process of purchasing my 2nd home. We are set to close on the 20th of November I am excited since this one is a lot bigger than my 1st. I can't wait to get in there and start tearing down walls and floors and such. I think about the decisions I make for my 2 kids and how they will effect them. I'm striving to ensure they need for nothing. so far, so good. I was not raised poor, in the projects or subjected to anything I shouldn't have been but we were not rich. If I needed it. I had it. All except for my dad. When I moved to Washington it was w/o my dad. He did not abandon my mom and me. She left him because h was violent towards her. Neither one of my parents had planned for a child. My father was 30 and my mom 25 when I was born. my dad was street all the way. He was all about the street life and money. He never worked his whole life. Eventually that life took him over and destroyed him. I was 17 when he died. I remember flying to California for the funeral. His only child. Standing over his casket feeling numb. See my mom, she made a decision. She decided to be a mom and raise her child. It took consequences to decision for that to take place but it did. I've never been a street runner. I've never been a hood rat chick. I've always walked my own path regardless of the friends I chose. For me theres been no other choice but to be an involved parent always striving to do more for my kids. I will never have anyone else raise MY kids not while I'm here on this earth a free woman. I provide for my family because I see no other way. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant w/my daughter. 19 when I had her. I was scared but happy at the same time. I was 27 when I found out I was pregnant with my son. This was and unexpected shock that carried mixed emotions. I didn't want another child. I had one that was almost 8 and could see starting all over again. I talked things over with his dad and we mutually decided that I would keep the baby. It's so crazy because I didn't feel pregnant until I was maybe 6 mos. I just went through the motions. Most of my friends had no idea because I barely showed until I hit 8 mos. When I was 3 mos or so my and the daddy broke up. When I was 4 mos he stated he wanted us to be together and asked me to join him at Disney World for Thanksgiving weekend. I told him no and felt it was best we were not together. I decided to go home for Thanksgiving. After that we did not speak again until almost a month before my son was born. April 12th my grandma on my moms side passed. Her funeral was on the 19th and for me it was a hard time. I still haven't gotten her death. I was 8 1/2 mos on a plane for a funeral no one could keep me from. I returned back to Jersey on April 25th and had my son April 30th. His father was not there. He was in a drug rehab center overseas. He lived a life on the road and enjoys the perks as well. Snorting cocaine. I found out why he was where he was a few months after it happened. all I knew is that he was out of the country. I assumed it was work. I had my son alone. He was due May 15th so both my mom and his dad planned to be in town for his birth but he was early. I was induced because my son had already grown to be almost 10 lbs. Once my son was born his father was the happiest man alive. I had never seen him so renewed. He was a different person. He was patient. He looked at my son and I saw in his eyes he loved him. Its so weird because from the moment I saw him I felt the same way. I didn't realize how much I could love the little stinker. He is wonderful. To me it was amazing how 2 people who never loved one another could love the being they created together so much. For me, that love was and will be everlasting. I cannot say the same for my sons father. 5 months after my son was born he met a female over time the love he expressed for my son began to fade. He made it a point to see how he was doing and make sure he was taken care of. Not anymore. He now acts as though my son does not exist and I refused to try and make him take part in his life. I do not call him and I won't. he has expressed that my son is only a financial responsibility to him and the funny thing is: he doesn't even pay child support. He makes sure his new female is taken care of but could care less about my son. I refuse to hate him because hate consumes you. I do despise him and I am not afraid to say so. he does not deserve my respect nor my son. My son looks like both of his parents but he is the best of both worlds. He is so so wonderful, smart, and loved by so many. One day I may be faced with the task of explaining why this man isn't in my sons life and that scares me. I never want my son to feel the pain of the rejection he has been given by this man. Me and his dad did not argue. We were not holding on to any kind of relationship besides being parents. There was never a threat to his relationship. not from me. I wanted to ask, "why can't you love your son too?" but why even bother. I know its a mental thing for him and with his lifestyle my son doesn't need him in his life. Still, how do u explain that to a child?
Choices & Responsibilities
I am in the process of purchasing my 2nd home. We are set to close on the 20th of November I am excited since this one is a lot bigger than my 1st. I can't wait to get in there and start tearing down walls and floors and such. I think about the decisions I make for my 2 kids and how they will effect them. I'm striving to ensure they need for nothing. so far, so good. I was not raised poor, in the projects or subjected to anything I shouldn't have been but we were not rich. If I needed it. I had it. All except for my dad. When I moved to Washington it was w/o my dad. He did not abandon my mom and me. She left him because h was violent towards her. Neither one of my parents had planned for a child. My father was 30 and my mom 25 when I was born. my dad was street all the way. He was all about the street life and money. He never worked his whole life. Eventually that life took him over and destroyed him. I was 17 when he died. I remember flying to California for the funeral. His only child. Standing over his casket feeling numb. See my mom, she made a decision. She decided to be a mom and raise her child. It took consequences to decision for that to take place but it did. I've never been a street runner. I've never been a hood rat chick. I've always walked my own path regardless of the friends I chose. For me theres been no other choice but to be an involved parent always striving to do more for my kids. I will never have anyone else raise MY kids not while I'm here on this earth a free woman. I provide for my family because I see no other way. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant w/my daughter. 19 when I had her. I was scared but happy at the same time. I was 27 when I found out I was pregnant with my son. This was and unexpected shock that carried mixed emotions. I didn't want another child. I had one that was almost 8 and could see starting all over again. I talked things over with his dad and we mutually decided that I would keep the baby. It's so crazy because I didn't feel pregnant until I was maybe 6 mos. I just went through the motions. Most of my friends had no idea because I barely showed until I hit 8 mos. When I was 3 mos or so my and the daddy broke up. When I was 4 mos he stated he wanted us to be together and asked me to join him at Disney World for Thanksgiving weekend. I told him no and felt it was best we were not together. I decided to go home for Thanksgiving. After that we did not speak again until almost a month before my son was born. April 12th my grandma on my moms side passed. Her funeral was on the 19th and for me it was a hard time. I still haven't gotten her death. I was 8 1/2 mos on a plane for a funeral no one could keep me from. I returned back to Jersey on April 25th and had my son April 30th. His father was not there. He was in a drug rehab center overseas. He lived a life on the road and enjoys the perks as well. Snorting cocaine. I found out why he was where he was a few months after it happened. all I knew is that he was out of the country. I assumed it was work. I had my son alone. He was due May 15th so both my mom and his dad planned to be in town for his birth but he was early. I was induced because my son had already grown to be almost 10 lbs. Once my son was born his father was the happiest man alive. I had never seen him so renewed. He was a different person. He was patient. He looked at my son and I saw in his eyes he loved him. Its so weird because from the moment I saw him I felt the same way. I didn't realize how much I could love the little stinker. He is wonderful. To me it was amazing how 2 people who never loved one another could love the being they created together so much. For me, that love was and will be everlasting. I cannot say the same for my sons father. 5 months after my son was born he met a female over time the love he expressed for my son began to fade. He made it a point to see how he was doing and make sure he was taken care of. Not anymore. He now acts as though my son does not exist and I refused to try and make him take part in his life. I do not call him and I won't. he has expressed that my son is only a financial responsibility to him and the funny thing is: he doesn't even pay child support. He makes sure his new female is taken care of but could care less about my son. I refuse to hate him because hate consumes you. I do despise him and I am not afraid to say so. he does not deserve my respect nor my son. My son looks like both of his parents but he is the best of both worlds. He is so so wonderful, smart, and loved by so many. One day I may be faced with the task of explaining why this man isn't in my sons life and that scares me. I never want my son to feel the pain of the rejection he has been given by this man. Me and his dad did not argue. We were not holding on to any kind of relationship besides being parents. There was never a threat to his relationship. not from me. I wanted to ask, "why can't you love your son too?" but why even bother. I know its a mental thing for him and with his lifestyle my son doesn't need him in his life. Still, how do u explain that to a child?
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