Love & Relationships (Retro)
Originally Posted Aug 13, 2008
Love & Relationships
Current mood:blah
Hello all. I haven’t gotten the chance to blog like I use to but I felt the urge to express what’s on my mind. For the past 5 months I had been in a relationship. For the past week or 2, I have been single (time tracking not great, I know). I have had so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind that I am growing frustrated. So here’s my blog/rant. For me love is very hard. I have experienced this feeling 2 times, the latter relationship being the 2nd time. It overwhelmed me like a ton of bricks. There was no timing, no warning, no nothing. I just know what I felt. What is even more amazing to me and even though I know this is how it happens; it was with someone who doesn’t fit into my “usual” attraction. From the very beginning we hit it off. He caught me at a time where I had been single for 4 ½ years and was not interested in even going on a date. We began to converse all the time, morning, noon, & night…lol. We mentally stimulated one another’s mind and for me that was refreshing. He didn’t try to rush me, he didn’t try to jump in my bed, he just respected me for the person that I am and for me that conquered everything. I was afraid to commit to someone and had to really overcome my fear of trusting someone with my heart. Over the past 5 months we were tested in many ways and stuck strong throughout the whole thing. I didn’t allow my fears to become my enemy. They were my component and I was determined to be the winner in the end. There were many occasions where I tried to give up and throw in the towel because it was just easier to do than to just stick it out. He always brought me back to reality and reminded me that I couldn’t just turn my back whenever shit got hard. We are both hard headed individuals, stubborn as hell but loyal. What went wrong… During our relationship this man of mines decided he was tired of his working field and made a change. He decided that less pay was better than enduring the unhappiness he felt every time he showed up for work. I supported him in his decision because I wanted my man to be happy. With this career change, came financial burden. Him being the strong minded man he was, use to having money to dispose of and use to not having someone in his corner to have his back; began to shut down emotionally. I think he became depressed. It seems like he began to disappear deeper and deeper into a black hole. The man I thought I knew was no longer available. He began to snap on me (which doesn’t go over well), he began to dismiss things that he said he would do which wasn’t like him. See I am in the middle of a major remodel of my kitchen where most of the work I am doing myself and in the meantime I don’t have a kitchen to utilize. So having his help on this particular project was important for me since what I needed done couldn’t be done by just one person. Then when I would express my unhappiness, he would act like I was attacking him no matter how gently I said it or how I tried to address the matter as open discussion. After an argument I told him I needed some time to think things through. During this time I realized that I truly did love this man and would try to be there for him through this trying time. We discussed this matter and I informed him of my decision. Well, it did not get better, just worse. This man that had been there with me all of this time, never called, would barely text, and only had time for his boys. After a week of that nonsense I was too through, so I spoke up. What is so funny is that when we decided to try and tough it out I told him that I wanted to take the time and just rebuild our friendship. Allowing him the free time to do what he had to do with his friends and mentally. I gave him the freedom to get his mind right. All I wanted to do was talk like we did in the beginning and strengthen “us” before we got back to spending time together. I felt like if we tried to just take off where we left we would be standing on a crumbling foundation. Well, all that being said when I asked why he hasn’t tried to call he told me that I needed to give him time or move on. So you guessed it. I moved on. I mean who says some shit like that if they so-called loves you. While he says this crap to me, he is still telling me he loves me. WTF! Are you serious? Am I caught up in some kind of twilight zone episode? That’s what I was thinking. I am a firm believer that a relationship takes communication to remain strong and there had been zero between us. Even still I cannot shake my feelings for this person. I still love him and can’t stand him at the same time. As much as I want to let go of the thoughts of our plans for the future, I can’t help but look back and be saddened by the reality that it isn’t going to happen and I am back to square one. Once again I have to meet someone, get use to them, have them get use to me, etc etc. I know some of you may think I should have just stuck it out but in reality you only have a partial of this story. Telling you the whole damn thing would be a book, probably a best seller. Men please tell me this; why is it that you can have a good woman on your side that does everything you need for her to do and yet you still push them away when shit gets difficult for you. Why can’t you allow her to be that rock if you are not strong enough to deal with the confusion in your life? Has it ever dawned on you that maybe two heads are better than one and maybe if you quit focusing on your current failure so much that maybe you can have a better focus on life and where you need to go to get in the right direction? That pushing away those that love you will only cause you to become even more alone than you were before? Have you not realized that a relationship can become stronger when you conquer the bad together? I am a very head strong woman, very independent so I know how it feels to want to conquer things on your own and how it feels to want to shut everything out until you get it right but I am also aware of the importance of having someone love you and I know that I cannot allow my pride and fear to ruin that love that at some point will overcome the fear if I allow it to. I feel like that was the prime time to test our relationship and I feel like I was passing this test that was set before me only to be derailed by his bull headed bullshit. Finally, I saw the better half and depended on the better half to get me through. I looked past the pain I was feeling at the time and reflected on our past time together and told myself I had someone who had always been in my corner so I wasn’t going to shut the door on them, but at some point they decided to shut the door them self leaving me out in the cold.
Love & Relationships
Current mood:blah
Hello all. I haven’t gotten the chance to blog like I use to but I felt the urge to express what’s on my mind. For the past 5 months I had been in a relationship. For the past week or 2, I have been single (time tracking not great, I know). I have had so many emotions and thoughts going through my mind that I am growing frustrated. So here’s my blog/rant. For me love is very hard. I have experienced this feeling 2 times, the latter relationship being the 2nd time. It overwhelmed me like a ton of bricks. There was no timing, no warning, no nothing. I just know what I felt. What is even more amazing to me and even though I know this is how it happens; it was with someone who doesn’t fit into my “usual” attraction. From the very beginning we hit it off. He caught me at a time where I had been single for 4 ½ years and was not interested in even going on a date. We began to converse all the time, morning, noon, & night…lol. We mentally stimulated one another’s mind and for me that was refreshing. He didn’t try to rush me, he didn’t try to jump in my bed, he just respected me for the person that I am and for me that conquered everything. I was afraid to commit to someone and had to really overcome my fear of trusting someone with my heart. Over the past 5 months we were tested in many ways and stuck strong throughout the whole thing. I didn’t allow my fears to become my enemy. They were my component and I was determined to be the winner in the end. There were many occasions where I tried to give up and throw in the towel because it was just easier to do than to just stick it out. He always brought me back to reality and reminded me that I couldn’t just turn my back whenever shit got hard. We are both hard headed individuals, stubborn as hell but loyal. What went wrong… During our relationship this man of mines decided he was tired of his working field and made a change. He decided that less pay was better than enduring the unhappiness he felt every time he showed up for work. I supported him in his decision because I wanted my man to be happy. With this career change, came financial burden. Him being the strong minded man he was, use to having money to dispose of and use to not having someone in his corner to have his back; began to shut down emotionally. I think he became depressed. It seems like he began to disappear deeper and deeper into a black hole. The man I thought I knew was no longer available. He began to snap on me (which doesn’t go over well), he began to dismiss things that he said he would do which wasn’t like him. See I am in the middle of a major remodel of my kitchen where most of the work I am doing myself and in the meantime I don’t have a kitchen to utilize. So having his help on this particular project was important for me since what I needed done couldn’t be done by just one person. Then when I would express my unhappiness, he would act like I was attacking him no matter how gently I said it or how I tried to address the matter as open discussion. After an argument I told him I needed some time to think things through. During this time I realized that I truly did love this man and would try to be there for him through this trying time. We discussed this matter and I informed him of my decision. Well, it did not get better, just worse. This man that had been there with me all of this time, never called, would barely text, and only had time for his boys. After a week of that nonsense I was too through, so I spoke up. What is so funny is that when we decided to try and tough it out I told him that I wanted to take the time and just rebuild our friendship. Allowing him the free time to do what he had to do with his friends and mentally. I gave him the freedom to get his mind right. All I wanted to do was talk like we did in the beginning and strengthen “us” before we got back to spending time together. I felt like if we tried to just take off where we left we would be standing on a crumbling foundation. Well, all that being said when I asked why he hasn’t tried to call he told me that I needed to give him time or move on. So you guessed it. I moved on. I mean who says some shit like that if they so-called loves you. While he says this crap to me, he is still telling me he loves me. WTF! Are you serious? Am I caught up in some kind of twilight zone episode? That’s what I was thinking. I am a firm believer that a relationship takes communication to remain strong and there had been zero between us. Even still I cannot shake my feelings for this person. I still love him and can’t stand him at the same time. As much as I want to let go of the thoughts of our plans for the future, I can’t help but look back and be saddened by the reality that it isn’t going to happen and I am back to square one. Once again I have to meet someone, get use to them, have them get use to me, etc etc. I know some of you may think I should have just stuck it out but in reality you only have a partial of this story. Telling you the whole damn thing would be a book, probably a best seller. Men please tell me this; why is it that you can have a good woman on your side that does everything you need for her to do and yet you still push them away when shit gets difficult for you. Why can’t you allow her to be that rock if you are not strong enough to deal with the confusion in your life? Has it ever dawned on you that maybe two heads are better than one and maybe if you quit focusing on your current failure so much that maybe you can have a better focus on life and where you need to go to get in the right direction? That pushing away those that love you will only cause you to become even more alone than you were before? Have you not realized that a relationship can become stronger when you conquer the bad together? I am a very head strong woman, very independent so I know how it feels to want to conquer things on your own and how it feels to want to shut everything out until you get it right but I am also aware of the importance of having someone love you and I know that I cannot allow my pride and fear to ruin that love that at some point will overcome the fear if I allow it to. I feel like that was the prime time to test our relationship and I feel like I was passing this test that was set before me only to be derailed by his bull headed bullshit. Finally, I saw the better half and depended on the better half to get me through. I looked past the pain I was feeling at the time and reflected on our past time together and told myself I had someone who had always been in my corner so I wasn’t going to shut the door on them, but at some point they decided to shut the door them self leaving me out in the cold.
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